im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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