i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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