i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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