please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
