this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize