My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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