Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
