So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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