if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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