I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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