So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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