the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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