Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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