i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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