sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
