I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
