sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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