i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
