can u get pink eye on your cock?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize