I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
