walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
it glows. i had to have it.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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