I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
