My hand turned me down
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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