So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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