I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize