Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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