Just fell off a train. Bad.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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