operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
