I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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