Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
