WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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