Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
