Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
