I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize