I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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