dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
