i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
