I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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