Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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