I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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