I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize