I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
