broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
