im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize