I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize