Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Randomize
