i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
