accomplished twins. life is a go
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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