"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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