dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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