Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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