She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
