im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
