Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
