I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
