my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
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