Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
