When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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