Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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