i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
