Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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