If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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