I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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