so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize