singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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