Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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