Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
