One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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