please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
