Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
